The Horror, the horror, the horror of kids...
I've posted on that subject often enough before.. too often before?.. but it's true... it is a true, continuing, ever present thing....
ah well. And that's it. 'Ah, well.' And we all meekly accept it, put it behind us once the 'little darlings' ---------- I just got interrupted by one little darling going to bed -------- are in bed we forget all the bad times...
But we should not. They are so bad. It is so bad. It is awful. It is terrible. I can't talk about it. It is hard for me to get that much out.. but it needs to be got out.. because it is the truth... why do you think there's people here and there going crazy, killing their kids and such?
Yes, fucked, weak, buggered up people, okay, and alright, that's why they snap and that's why they snap in that way.. their fault, they have a 'fault', a weakness and it causes them to snap in some terrible way and do harm to their children.
But 'snap' under what strain? Under this awful strain of kids.
Fuck it.
Madness is everywhere.
I have a brother gone barmy.
He pleads on the one hand for understanding, kindness, sympathy because he's had such an unfortunate and nasty life, refuses any friendly approaches on the other because no one has any right to interfere and no one knows what he's experiencing. He tells everyone on the one hand that he is useless, a mere nothing, should be dead, should suicide because he is so much a nothing, a useless piece of crap on the earth - and on the other hand tells everyone what's wrong with everything.....
There is no rationality in his performance. And there's not meant to be, I reckon. It is a performance for the sake of drawing attention, only. Like a magician's performance. 'Look at me' - see the tricks I can perform, but you are forbidden to know me or know how I perform these tricks.
Yep. He's nuts. Deliberately. And could cure himself just by coming off it just as deliberately.
And I've got a sister who's gone nuts. She's a religious freak. She's seen the light. She loves God and has accepted (I'm assuming) Jesus as her saviour. She sends you little pictures of nature called 'God's Jewels' or somesuch. That one was high fidelity pics of dewdrops.
She has set herself up to open everyone's eyes to the beauty of God's world. She will do it for you. She knows you haven't got a clue so she'll do it for you. How does she know you haven't got a clue? From her madness, that's how. She went barmy and decided she was in possession of special knowledge that put her in a position above and beyond the rest of us, gave her an importance and a worth that removed her from the common ruck and enables her to patronise us all. I just twigged that last bit. Hadn't seen it in those words before. But that's it. She's patronising us all.
Poor silly bitch. She was such a silly twat that probably (I wasn't there, I don't know) she was patronised by everyone most or all of her later childhood and all of her adult life.
Needs help, eh? A friend. A brother. Yep. But too late. She's deliberately put herself beyond the reach of any such.
And I've got another brother that's equally barmy. He's got and always has had pretensions to grandeur, to wealth, to position, to status and likes nothing better than to eat at a high priced restaurant.... this being a kind of definitive rite that demonstrates he's achieved.
When I last knew him he was well into his maturity and well into this mind set and well into destroying his own family and the wealth of himself and his friends with his conceits, and prized Glen Fiddich as an exemplar of an excellent bottle of whisky. I think that says it all. As childish as his sister. As in need as his sister. And as beyond any help as his sister and for the same reason....
Yep. That's my family. Fucked.
And I've met many others during my life with similar or worse tales to tell.
Oh, yes, and what about me? Am I so perfect? No. I'm intransigent, belligerent, rude, foul mouthed, impolite, ignorant, stupid (intellectually slow), lacking in drive, goals, values, heroes.... whatever.
Most of all as a 'bad' definitive trait I am aggressive, violent, abusive to my children. I handle the hassles of this kid thing very poorly. I shout. I slap. I abuse. Swearing is nothing. I give tirades of violent, filthy oaths and dire threats... histrionic, childish crap. But hurtful and harmful to a child. But I do it.
I think I love my children but I act like that, many, many times.
Could it be that I've got this thing I've heard of - bipolar disorder?
I definitely have extreme emotional lability and some lack of self control.
And I know that I don't give a fuck for anyone much. Not that I run around with a head full of hate or even anger or resentment or even stories of 'others', because I don't. I'm largely devoid in my mental life of any representation of people at all. I think of things and places, actions, events, not people.
And I have lived alone for years in the past and I know I could do it again. That's what I mean. I 'don't give a fuck for anyone' inasmuch as I can live without anyone - anyone specific or anyone in general.
I have a dour, pessimistic view of the future. And of reality. I'm going to die. I will lose everything. I will meet my own death and prelude to death on my own, as we all do. My children will not love/need me any more than I loved/needed my parents.
And so on...
enough. I completely lost what I was going to write about. Now my right foot big toe joint is giving me some gyp and I must go try lose myself in a movie, a serial episode of 'Luther' it's going to be. The last one of the second series. shame. After that, what? It is hard to find acceptable distraction. Perhaps I'll have to actually do some work. I need to set up an eBay sale and I keep forgetting to do it... obviously not keen on it...
