Is this Depression?

I'm doing nothing. Not. A. Thing. Nothing.

Whereas usually I am scrambling each and every day to get things done. Have a continual list of things that need doing and - worse - need worrying over to find out how to do them.

Day after day I struggle to find the time to get at least something done on at least one of these jobs and day after day I get agitated and upset, cranky about obstacles to my progress.

Day after day I worry away in my mind, like a dog at a bone, at those things that I need to find answers for, trying to tease an answer out of the void.

I'm motivated. I'm urged. I'm driven. I'm obsessed. All of this comes naturally. It is there when I wake, it was there until the last second before I sleep and it is there all the day with me.


But not today!

Today I am not doing anything. No thing at all. The baby is asleep. Technically I'm looking after the baby but I'm not doing it with the sense of involvement and 'task' that I usually have. It is not stressing me because it is conflicting with these other things I want to/must do. It is not stressing me because I find it difficult to meet the child's demands sufficiently well to be able to separate myself from him long enough to do something myself.

No. I don't give a damn. I'm happy to do nothing and devote all my time to him if he wants it. Carry him around, whatever.... it doesn't worry me. Today. For the first time ever.

But he's asleep anyway. So the question doesn't come up. And in the lull what do I want to do? Nothing. I feel no urgency. I'm conscious of no list of things. I am not drawn to anything - except perhaps this. You could, I suppose, say that I've been drawn to the blog to express myself. But I really wouldn't care. If the power went off and I lost it, or the child woke and stopped me, I wouldn't care.


What's happened? Have I finally burned out? Or is this 'Depression'? Am I depressed?

I don't know. I don't care. I'm not doing, caring, feeling, thinking, desiring anything.

:)